AmarokOnline

I have DA account inactivated since many years. Life is hitting me hard. In the midst of graduating and with so many expectations and dreams for life, I was misdiagnosed from a pathologist in a skin biopsy the following 2 years with Lupus Erithemathosus Discoid along with the threathening shadow of developing 15% systemic Lupus. Felt like living those two years with cancer. Health issues break you to the deepest of your soul.

The good thing of those erratic, self hating and depressive 2 years: is that surrealism has touched my soul and forever changed my creative mind. Intensive black humor is part of me now and it made me stronger getting over it, specially when you dont have the confort of a love one by your side.

Adding worst my parents marriage came to breaking point, and since then, desastrous and falling apart. Luckily life sorrounded me by good friends and hard providing parents, I entrepeneured to Co-fund a veterinarian clinic. My smalltown cages you from growing professionally, its hard public and lots of animal cruelty in every corner. But we survived the first year and are fighting hard to continue our quality job, still in the process of getting new clients.

I do however, start to crave motherhood and children. So, time to work on putting this body in shape, cook and wisen up all about house goods. Got car and can get my own place, foremost it's all about economic stability and independance. And yeah, also need a male victim I can take his fatherhood away muajajaja   
All my life people asked me: When are you gonna have a boyfriend?  Me: When motherhood and children start to interest me.
people thought that was some sort of Answer to declare oneself as Lesbian. But I actually mean it. Not interested, if I don't see you as a father for my baby. I want a father, not a lover or a boyfriend. I don't need to prove anything to a society, or feel good about myself and play with someone else's feelings in the process. Simple as that.

I've neglected my DA for several years now, I know...

I am in the ends road leading to many other paths that I have to decide carefully. I feel my life is going nowhere and going thru discontinuated proyect after discontinuated proyect. I've lost 20 kg, seriously. Chaos reigns((((

Lots of things going on in my life these last years; I just finished my vet career and am hunting small opportunities from different areas these past months whiles I wait for an answer from a stable job in a public institution my parents had fiercely advocated themselves to stablish me into.

I've been visiting an intensive pig farm production, a wealthy purebred horse ranch, public dog & cat pound and their spay/neuter campaigns and aiding a master degree investigator in a small module of diverse agro production (organic and biodynamics), all in the name to get hands on experience. Farming and animal husbandry interest me in the way that that's the life I picture myself doing when I retire in my small country side farm.

Even so, first thing I've resolve myself is that cats & dogs (small species) are my way to go, and the best thing that could happen to me is if I can get my specialization and/or work in the USA; I currently have a invitation to get hands experience on a clinic in Austin, Texas. But that public job, would tie me down here, in my hometown forever, that is my current fear...
 
Anyways, it wouldn't also be fare for my parents; who have supported me this long adding up that I also want to start earning my own life living. So second thing resolve, is that I shall work inmediately, and postpone my specialization in small species; whiles working I shall save towards it and also other personal enterprises as my artist career, third langguage and clinical experience.

Thanks for reading my frustrations. Cheers.
 
PS. This critical stage in my life has fire up my surrealism art and style! Woohooo!

ESPAÑOL

Últimamente la melancolía me abunda, pero es un sentimiento que viene acompañado de la autocontemplación prolongada dentro del proceso de sanación. Tomará su tiempo, muchas cosas han pasado y dejado cicatrices...

Comienzo mi tan esperada etapa artística en lo surreal...varios años de represión, sentimientos negados y triztezas ahogadas finalmente he logrado canalizarlos; el deseo de expresarlo es tanto que mi mente no consiente descanso, satisfacción o concentración en mis deberes diarios. Estos dibujos me traen un sentimiento integro más que ningunos otros, me sirven para el despeje y autoterapia...

Establecer prioridades y ser selectiva, es algo también últimamente se me ha estado orillando a hacer en mi vida recientemente; estoy en medio de ese proceso en cuanto a todos los niveles se refiere; social, económico, académico, personal, salud, etc. Muchas cosas que quisiera hacer, pero hasta éste punto ya cuento con poco tiempo, dinero y esfuerzo para ello.

Decisiones, decisiones...

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ENGLISH

Lately melancholy has been abundant around me, but it's a feeling that comes along with a long autocontemplation during the healing process. I'll take it's time, many things have happened and left scars...

I start my so awaited artistic stage in surreal...many years of represion, denied feeelings and drowned sadness finally I've managed to chanalize; the desire to express it is such that my mind can't conceal rest, satisfaction nor concentration on my daily obligations. These drawings bring me wholeness more than any others, they help me to clear out my mind and for autotherapy...

Stablishing priorities and being selective, is something that lately I've found myself cornered to do about recently; I'm in the middle of that process in all means; social, economic, academically, personal, health, etc. Many things I would of liked to do, but to this point I have little time, money and will for it.

Decisions, decisions...

ESPAÑOL

He vuelto de pelearme conmigo misma. Harta del dolor, frustraciones y demás males. He dejado de hacer varias cosas y casi no he visto a mis amistades. Pero que va, la vida adulta así continuá, centrarte de lo que vas a vivir durante tus años productivos venideros.

Les compartó algunos detalles de lo que ha sido éste año para mí, y que son señales para mi de que voy por buen camino:

* 2011 es el 250 aniversario de la educación veterinaria en el mundo, primera escuela en 1761 Lyon-Francia.
* Aunado a la motivación anterior, el momento cumbre de mi carrera y moralidad será mi juramento Hipocrático: proteger la vida, tanto animal como la humana. ¡Si me graduó juró tatuarme el báculo de hermés!
* Éste año en el calendario Azteca es el año del Conejo "Tochtli", curiosamente en el zodiaco Chino también soy del año del Conejo, ambos influenciados por la luna, como también lo es Cáncer en el Zodiaco Griego.
* Ya he encontrado la espiritualidad y filosofías de acorde a mi: Agnostica siempre fue mi base, Baphomet me vino en sueños  y la Antroposofía me vinó de invitación suiza directa.
* Ofertas educativas que me están moviendo el tapete, pero debo mejorar calificaciones y estudiar más:
- Estancia en Canadá, alojamiento y comida  gratis, aprender Biodinámica en una granja orgánica.
- Internado Hospital Veterinario Banfield, por parte del patologo.
- Ida a Cuba, conocer su sistema agropecuario, mi Tutor dr. Palma y Dra. Hummel.
- Amigo con clínica Veterinaria que me ha abierto las puertas para ir a aprender.
- Ganadero Caprino abrió puertas de su rancho para enserñarme y que le ayude a mejorar    genéticamente su hato (No es mi area de interés ni soy buena, pero...me sentí comprometida en algo al menos).
* Al fin pude tener el contacto con un artesano que puede hacer penachos indios, en Tamazula, Jalisco.
* Comenzé a desarrollar interés por coleccionar huesos, plumas, pelos y taxidermia animal.
* Comenzó mi interés por plantar, jardinería y agricultura.
* Me empezó a llamar la atención el BDSM, ya asistí a una sesión sólo para ver y auxiliar.
* Irónicamente tengo más claro como quiero envejecer (en una granja autosustentable y criadero de Huskie's Siberianos) que a como quiero vivir mi adultez.
* He convencido a mi madre que cuando sea anciana, le ayudo a que pongamos un granja y cría de Chivos engorda para birria (¡En serio, es un negociazo!).
* Descubrí que soy buena con los niños, me gustan y quiero tener.
* Primer vez que presencio a un Siberiano cantar en Ruso mi amada canción de Katjusha en vivo.
* La pasión por el Amor se aviva.
* He estado perdiendo peso.
* He estado leyendo literatura y demás libros, aparte de los de medicina.
* Estoy teniendo un poco más de contacto con mi lado femenino: he descubierto que tengo boobies y he estado usando maquillaje recientemente.

Bueno, eso es lo que recuerdo de momento.

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ENGLISH

I Just returned from fighting with myself. Tired of pain, frustrations and other Illness. I had stopped doing many things and haven't seen my friends.  But well, adulthood continues and must concentrate of what  one will live out of the next productive years.

I share you, some of  the details of what this year has been to me, and they are clear signs I'm going thru a good path:

*2011 is the 250th anniversary of Veterinarian Education in the world, first school founded in 1761 Lyon-France.
* Sum to that, my upmost moment of my career and morality will be when I'll do my Hipocratic Oath: to protect life, animal one and humane one as well. ¡If I graduate I would like to get Tattoo of Hermes Scepter!
* This year in Aztec Calendar it's the Rabbit's Year "Tochtli", also in Chineese Zodiac it's Rabbits year too, both of them influenced by the moon, as well as my Greek Zodiac, Cancer.
*I have found my spirituality and life Philosophy that goes with me: Agnostic as base, Baphomet came to me in dreams and Antroposophy came to me as a direct swiss invitation.
* Academic offers that have shaken me up, but need to better grades and study more:
-Stance in Canada, place to stay and free food, learn Biodynamics in an organic farm.
-Trip to Cuba, know it's agropecuarian system, mi Tutor Dr. Palma and Dr. Hummel.
- A friend opened a Vet clinic where I am invited to learn.
- A Caprine producer opened he's ranch to show us and better genetically it's livestock (Not my area of interest nor am good at it, but…I felt compromise at least a bit in something).
*Finally I got the contact of an artisan who crafts Indian feather crowns, in Tamazula, Jalisco.
* I started to develop interest for bones, feathers, fur and animal taxidermy.
*I started to get interested in planting, gardening and agriculture.
* I started to get also interested in BDSM, I assisted to a first session just to see and help out a bit.
* Ironically I now have it more clear how I would like to spend my life as old women (In a sustanable farm and breeding Siberian Huskie's) than my near adulthood.
*I convinced my mother that when she grows old, I'll help her out to put a farm and breed goats for Birria! ( Seriously, it's good business!).
* I Discover I'm good with children, I like them and want to have some.
* First time I presence live singing in Russian by a Siberian, the beloved song of "Katjusha".
* The passion of Love has returned.
*I've lost weight.
* I'm reading literature and other books, besides medicine books.
* Got more in touch with my feminine side: I've notice I got boobs and started to use make up.

Well, that's what I remember for the moment.

DECLARO GUERRA A MI MISMA  ------- SPANISH

Bien, una primer parte tormentosa que casi me rompe los talones pasó. No con el mérito que me hubiera gustado tener, al final, logré continuar mi carrera por pura suerte o mera compasión (o ambas) de una tercera persona. Lo cual no me hace sentir bien conmigo al respecto y persiste el miedo de no poder volver a levantarme por no encontrar mi propia fuerza.
Primer parciales han pasado, calificaciones como siempre, no tan buenas y muy variables entre sí. Un ejercicio de interpretación de sueños Jungista, se me ha cumplido, y más que solo agobio por tomar decisiones, me he dado cuenta como estúpidamente estoy desperdiciando oportunidades y la grandísima suerte de tener todo lo que tengo, desde puntos, sociales, económicos, nacionalidad, académicos,  etc.Estando en este tramo de mi vida, y lo sensible que he estado al respecto, estoy poco a poco valorando lo que tengo y empezando por pequeños detalles para obtener lo que no tengo y deseo. Sé que no tengo la vanidad o quizás autoestima suficiente para hacer las cosas sólo para mí misma sólo por que sí. Ocupo ayuda, y no de la profesional (psicólogos), ésta es una batalla que debo ganar por mí misma, es decir, mi propia disciplina y voluntad deben ponerse a prueba.  Lazo emocional o de confianza en mi familia no tengo, siendo así, la plática y compañía de amigos me es crucial. Inclusive para este cambio, debo hacer selección entre ellos quienes me benefician más durante estos días tormentosos, sin menospreciar a los demás claro, ya vendrán las temporadas en que sus propiedades beneficiosas se lucen. Las personas son como los medicamentos,  conociéndoles uno debe saber administrarse las dosis correcta de su compañía, ya que es la diferencia entre si se vuelven terapéuticos o tóxicos para uno mismo. Es sólo que durante ciertas temporadas o etapas de tu vida, una buena plática, cambio de ritmo o conocer nuevas personas pueden sacarte de muchos aprietos. Por que cuando andamos en mala racha, nos cerramos, vemos todo negativo, rutinario e igual.

Así que recientemente tratando de cambiar aires, no es como si fuera el gran cambiazo, pero orgullosamente puedo decir que he recuperado amistades viejas, fortalecido algunas que ya tenía, conocido nuevas y algunos otros contactos tan fantásticas que ni yo me la creo (sobretodo Skype chat buddies).
Estoy maravillada por éste hecho sencillo, y quizás un tanto esperanzada. Dicho estado mental y emocional he inhibido mis deseos de dibujar bastante, por lo que lo de la práctica con la Tableta digital tendrá que esperar.

He aquí un video que explica un tanto más a fondo lo que trato de decir, espero les sea utilidad.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugIF7N…

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I DECLARE WAR UPON MYSELF    ----- ENGLISH

Well, a first tormenting part has passed away and almost breaks my heels. Not with the merit I would of liked to had, at the end, I somehow made it to continue my career by chance or sheer compassion (or both) of a third person. Which doesn't make me feel good at all, and the fear of not being able to stand up by not finding my own strength persists. First evaluations have passed, grades as always, not so good and very variable within them. I made a Jungist dream exercise to interpret dreams, it has taken it´s toll, and more than just been overwhelm by taking decisions, I have realized how stupidly I had let opportunities wasted y how lucky I am to have what I have, from various points, socially, economically, nationality, academically, etc. Being at this state of my life, and sensible as I am now about it, little by little I value what I got and am starting by small baby steps towards things I don't have but desire. I know I don't have the vanity or enough selfesteem to do things for myself just because. I need help, and not professional one (psichologists), this is a battle I must win by myself, because it's against my own self, meaning discipline and will are to be putted at trial. Emotional strong bonds or thrust in my family, I don't have, being like that, having a good chat or company of friends is crucial for me. But even in this change, I must select whom will benefit me most to survive this war days, of course not depreciating other friendships, other days will come when their properties will be more beneficial. People are like medicines, knowing them one must select the correct administration of daily dosis of their company, it's the difference between them becoming therapeutic or toxic for ourselves. It's just that during certain seasons or stages of your life, a good talk, rutine change or knowing new people can give a piece of mind. Cause when we are doing bad, we shut down ourselves, see everything negative, rutinary and the same.
So recently I'm trying to change my airs, not a huge change, but proudly I can say I've manage to recover old friendships, tightened ones I have, met new ones and have other fantastic contacts that even I still can't believe it (Overall Skype chatting buddies).

I'm marveled by this fact, and maybe a bit too hopefull on it. Being in this mental and emotional state, it has inhibited my desires to draw a lot, so practicing with digital tablet will have to wait…

Here's a youtube video that explains a bit more specific of what I'm trying to say, hope it helps you.www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugIF7N…